Heart’s Desires & Clarity: Full Moon Thoughts (October 2021)
I had such a full-on day under the full-moon energy yesterday, culminating in an eventful fire circle with the incredible Niki Shefras — this photo is the calm before the storm! The fire burned strong despite the wet, the stream flowed strong (we sit on the bank above the water to the right); it was a night of fullness, warrior-spirit and rain-anointing. It was also full of new conversations, stories, synchronicities and recognising faces although unknown in this life.
There were 8 of us — that magic number of infinity and endless possibilities. At one point, we were quiet, just mesmerised by the sound of the elements around us: Nature put on its full show for us. Clearing. Energising.
And while I sit here writing this post, my book proposal that’s been taking up all my time this last month seems to have come to an in-between stage. The proposal is done, but the agent I identified is wanting to see a set number of pages and that means having to re-gig it, make cuts and I just can’t be bothered.
I make a conscious effort every day to ‘Do What I Love’ and that proposal has lost its joy. This means I have to leave it, for now. Release the finding of a literary agent to the Universe — I’m expecting the best, I’m surrendering. I’ve been doing this long enough now to know that I can’t force things: the energy is just stale for now.
I might feel differently later this morning, this evening or tomorrow, but I also consciously live ‘Now’ and honour what my body is telling me. Maybe I’m tired from a late night; maybe my working day is broken up by school commitments and I don’t have a clear run at it; maybe I’m resisting actually approaching this brilliant agent and the possibility of being rejected; maybe I’m resisting actually approaching this brilliant agent and the possibility of being taken on… and then our hearts’ desires would be coming into fruition. We will be living our joint purpose and I will have to stand in my true power and as my true self.
Privately, I have no problem with this: yesterday, before the fire circle, I supported a client to have a conversation with her late father. It was intense. There were so many questions to be asked and honestly answered. Clearing the past. Forgiveness and understanding. Heaviness to lightness. Releasing energy and rebirthing in both realms.
But to stand in the public eye… perhaps that still holds me back. I know when I found Chris I was living out my dreams — I’d held that desire to be reunited with him for 15 years. And when we were fully reunited, 1st May 2018, it was not as we had expected or hoped for. I hadn’t wanted a dead brother. He hadn’t wanted to be dead. I hadn’t wanted to admit that I was a ‘spirit medium’ (rather than telepathic).
But actually, on reflection, I had found Chris and he was safe, we trusted our continued connection and this allowed us to really begin to find closure, release and joy after grief/loss. And this is what we now pass on to others.
I also ‘stumbled’ upon my first book proposal yesterday which I wrote in 2015 and here is a short extract about the reasons I had for writing a book at that point (Chris had been missing for 12 years and I had just begun to sense that I could actually find him):
“I’ve decided to write this book about our search for him [Chris] — which Mum insidiously documented in all its emotional-rollercoaster glory. I want to tell you about Chris, about his African adventure, about the intrepid Mungo Park who inspired him, about our efforts to trace him in a foreign land and how we keep going.
Why would I want to put myself through the emotional turmoil of doing this? Firstly, if Chris never turns up, I want to have a record of my brother’s life so he doesn’t fade into oblivion in a generation or so: I’m a personal historian (inspired by losing Chris) and I spend my time capturing other peoples’ life stories, so I have to do the same for my brother. He has a niece and nephew now (my children) who all the time hear about ‘Uncle Christian’ and ‘Africa’, so they need to have this record. Neither did Chris meet my husband.
Secondly, by writing about our search for Chris, it will allow me to introduce you to him — and allow me to discover the man he turned into. When the police, both Malian and British, wanted to know about Chris’s personality and character, they didn’t ask me. I was in Cornwall, removed from the action, but I was probably, of everyone, the most in the dark about him. His friends, and Mum and Dad, provided the answers… and for that I’m both ashamed and sad. I have to admit, I now want to get to know my brother; to get closer to him. When he first went missing, or when we feared he might be, I looked on his computer to see if he’d accessed his emails. Instead I found some diaries he’d written while in the Caribbean. Dated 4 June 1999, on a boat moored off Mustique, Chris had written about his thoughts the previous night: “I decided I would like to spend more time with Hannah in the future and get to know her a bit better.” Seems we both had/have the same idea.
We were inseparable as children growing up on a farm in Wadhurst, East Sussex. It was an idyllic childhood, if I’m honest, and we played and fought together until he, aged eight, got sucked into the public school system and he was pretty well lost to me. I have a huge amount of sadness, and guilt, about not keeping him closer to me when I could: when he was home I often was occupied with ponies or boyfriends, and then I went travelling on a gap year and from then on we kept missing each other. I remember one rare occasion when we were both at home for a weekend — Chris had come back from Australia and I was back from university — when Dad said, “You two should try and spend more time together, you know.” But we never did. When he left for Africa I was living in Cornwall — useless, really.
The last reason for wanting to write this book is another personal one — I want to bring my family together again. While Chris was missing and we were searching, Mum, Dad and I became very close. Closer than we’d ever been and I moved back from Cornwall as I couldn’t bear being so far from them, while the worst thing in the world was happening to them (and me). I will be telling you all about our searches, but it’s actually now I’m contemplating moving away to the Isle of Skye that I want to use my writing skills to have one last concerted effort to find Chris. During the last few years, I’ve been so preoccupied with getting married, having children and running a business, that Chris’ absence has become a dull ache rather than a terrible, debilitating smarting. We have all carried on with our lives, but it’s time to stop and stand still to remember Chris properly.
I was reminded of the need for this very recently on a family holiday to Skye, when Dad had to run out of the pub we were in, because amongst the laughter, chat and banter, he suddenly couldn’t stand the pain of Chris not being there. “Why isn’t he here?” is a common question we ask. Just because a missing person is not in the newspapers, on the radio or television, it doesn’t mean that family and friends stop thinking about their loved ones. Every day of their lives is blighted and those special occasions are the worst.
I have persuaded Mum and Dad to have a party to celebrate Chris’ 40th birthday next month (July 2015), and we are inviting friends and family and those who have supported us along the way. It will be a happy occasion — to bring us all together. After 12 years, we need to reconnect. And writing this book will, by necessity, give me, my family and Chris’ friends a Chris-focused goal.
But will it help in the search for Chris? I’m often asked if I think there’s still hope of finding him alive. That’s hard to answer. On the one hand, despite physical searches, Chris has never been found, nor his belongings. He has quite literally disappeared into Africa for whatever reason — believe me, our minds have imagined every possible scenario for his continued silence. So there is hope because, as the old adage goes, no news is good news. He might be still alive, and there’s plenty of people who go missing to suddenly reappear years later. But 12 years later, I don’t know. We’ve never had a funeral or a celebration of life so, subconsciously, maybe we haven’t faced what, to some, might be the inevitable conclusion.
We have to stay positive, I guess, otherwise what’s the alternative? Wouldn’t it be amazing if I write this book only for Chris to read it, or someone to read it, who knows him and where he is…”
My words are prophetic in many ways. The ‘Chris-focused goal’ of writing, and the party, signalled to the Universe that I was ready to awaken. I not only found him because of my courage and my gifts, but we are both now free and we know each other so intimately. In fact, we will be co-authors of our book: not just me on the cover. We have the whole story now. And our wish is that everyone who reads our words — however our book comes into being — can also reconnect with their loved ones, get to know them intimately and release all grief, by following in our footsteps.
Healing is possible, whatever the physical circumstances, when we’re open to finding out truths, to facing the shadows, to putting effort and focus into understanding and surrendering to where we’re being led.
There is absolutely no doubt in our minds that our story needs telling: the grief pandemic is very real. We’ve been writing this book over the past six years without being consciously aware… and there is nothing else to add. It is done. I don’t need to fiddle about trying to fit it into someone else’s mould. It is done. And ready to be released [just ‘cut and paste’ is what Chris has always told me — and I don’t think that’s too much of an exaggeration].
And that’s the power of this full moon for us 🌕
What’s the energy of this full moon for you: we’d love to know.